Thursday, September 27, 2012

Death By Food Truck

I am saddened to report this morning that Greensboro's food truck trial got off to a bad start when Milton J Kern, who was once heard to say that food trucks would operate in downtown Greensboro over his dead body, was hit by a food truck near Commerce Place early this morning. Witnesses were unable to explain why Mr Kern jumped into the street in front of the oncoming taco truck. Greensboro Mayor Robbie Perkins was quoted as saying, "There goes our downtown geriatric center! How am I going to be able to look out over my fiefdom when I get old? What other developer would be dumb enough to build something like a geriatric center in downtown Greensboro? Quick, somebody get me Roy on the phone!"

A Greensboro Police Department spokesperson expressed concern that Mr Kern might have confused the way food trucks operate and was attempting to wave it down. Police warn, that unlike ice cream trucks, food trucks drive at much higher speeds and serve food only from fixed positions.

Kern, who was best known for spending other people's fortunes on wild nightlife and extravagant downtown parties with female guests young enough to be his great granddaughters, has long served on the board of Downtown Greensboro Incorporated where he used his position to swindle lesser connected downtown business owners out of everything they owned.

In 2007, while running a faux campaign for Mayor of Greensboro, Kern denied the existence of Greensboro's gang and crime issues until News & Record reporter, Joe Killian proved him wrong. Some say Kern was simply protecting his own sources.

On his days off Milton was said to secretly enjoy torturing homeless people and devising failed economic plans in the hopes of getting bail outs from the City of Greensboro. His jealousy of developer Roy Carroll's close relationship with Mayor Robbie Perkins was well known in downtown circles.

Kern is survived by... Well, who knows how many little Miltons are running around out there with no idea who their daddy is? It's not like Kern ever remembered.

In lieu of flowers, the "family" is requesting you throw bricks pried from the walls of the Empire Room.